capturethemind

i never write.
but i always think to.

i'm listening to From Autumn to Ashes.
and looking through photography.
i think i've finally reached my decision.
i've been torn between becoming a psychologist or a photographer.
and the truth is i'd much rather take photographs. because i feel this empty feeling inside fade away when i do it.
i know i can't afford my Nikon D5000 right now. but i will soon enough once i work!
i'm just afraid of not being able to make it. or not being good enough. but i have to have confidence in myself for once!

my mom is being a mega bitch.
but it's because she's worried on her test results.
so am i. ive been praying for weeks.
God please help my family.

my 'love life' isn't much better either.
i don't know what or who i want.
i don't know who can make me happy.

friends.
well thats usually a big joke.
friends lately haven't been so loyal or caring.
but i say screw the world.
wait, no.
just let it ride.
because i am nice. i'm passionate. and caring. but i haven't and never will show anyone.
i wish someone could get inside of me for two seconds and everyone would fall in love.
sounds so cocky lol...

but i'm really worried school-wise.
i need to start preparing myself.
uhh, teenage worries.

i can't pretend anymore.
it's not working.

i can't pretend that i come home and everything is fine.
my words don't fix it.
my actions don't fix it.
i can't fix anyone.
i can't give my family happiness.
i can't even give myself happiness.
i can't pull miracles out of a hat.
i can't pull hope out of the sky.
i can't grow love.
i can't grasp unity.
i can't give my mom or my sister the world.
i sit in silence.
for words mean nothing.

frustration. anger. pain. hopelessness. faithless.
where is relief?

i'm weak.
pretty smiles and lies don't hide the sadness in my eyes.
the longing.

i'm trying to hold up the fort.
as my arms are folding in.
as everything crumbles to ashes around me.
i'm no longer stable.
i'm numb.

i can no longer pretend.

i've neglected my livejournal.
my thoughts are too confusing for even me to unscramble.
pretending has become second nature for me.
i don't know how i feel about anything in my life.
i'm confused on what to do about how the way things are going.
i'm lost about what to do with the people involved.
i don't know what's worth my love and effort.
i feel like im running.
but i dont know what im running from.
maybe from myself.
i need an answer to so many unanswered questions.
as i go to open my mouth to speak my soul shuts down and the words just wont come out.
it feels as if im drowning.
and the weight of my sadness is dragging me in deeper.
my feeble attempts at trying to be happy always fail.
hope has never been so distant.

so i totally wrote a long ass entry and nikki's fucking internet went out and it erased it all.
damnit.

but anyways my horoscope was wrong i had a good day.
even though it said i wasnt supposed to give into disagreements and use harsh words.
but i did. whooops.

so me and nikki went downtown to this michael jackson tribute thing.
and it was so much fun. i am pretty happy right now.
i go with brian to the beach tomorrow.
hopefully i'll get a tan.

so like me and nikki took a walk first and bought a lot of food, five dollars worth in dimes lol.
that girl always buys me everything.

we go to the michael jackson thingy.
and i see my dj/haircutter is working there :)
and there is this mj replica dood. who asked me for my number later. lol but he didn't get it ;)
he danced just like mj it was so crazzzzzzy. i got good pictures too. that i will put on tomorrow.
we dance with him and this old gay guy named randy we met. he was soooo gay and absolutely LOVED us. and he was so funny and bitchy. and this one lady who was so adorable. of course me and nikki always do the silliest things in the silliest places lolololol.

but the gay guy was so funny he looks at nikki and goes "girrll youre thick, that means you got a thick pussy, if i had a pussy id rule mount dora' it was soooo funny. then he would dance with nikki and she would smack his ass. omg.
he looks at me and goes "girl you are absolutely gorgeous, i love your lips. but you are lacking some titties, hopefully you sprout" and the lady we were dancing with goes "girl if you dont sprout dont buy the fake shit" and as soon as she walks away the guy goes "if you dont sprout buy tits, they get you a big house and a fucking jag girl!" i laughed my ass off. then he looks at nikki and goes "shes gorgeous but you got the tits giiirrrl" and he was telling me how he didnt like my dj and he threw a beerbottle at him last time and he really isn't supposed to be there and when i said "bye dennis" randy was like "dont say bye to that motherfucker!" omg the gay guy was so funny you wouldnt believe the bitchy gay things he would say.
and then we saw rosney and marcus out of no where and they came and danced with us and stuff too. rosney was adorableee. and they were about to lose it laughing at the gay guy. like it was crazy.
then me and nikki got back to her house.
and now i know im going to regret this shit in the morning bc i have to go the church then the beach.
i have a whole chapter of biology to do. damnit.

Okay last few days i haven't had the desire to write a livejournal.
i've also realized how much (the photographs) i take SUCK.
Damnit.
all i want is a damn Nikon D5000
i will marry ANYONE who buys me that thing i swear.

okay updates:
Aug.6 Thursday - hungout with Jay, Nikki, && Bird - we made cupcakes.
Aug.7 Friday - streetfest && hungout w/ ppl && Nikki, Sky, Lauren, Rosney etcetc. then lauren crashed the night.
Aug.8 Saturday - Altamonte mall, new hat, and lauren crashed again.
Aug.9 Sunday - today i am relaxing, about to go to Old navy in a bit. i miss my baby, but that's ohkay because i see him tomorrow.

i'm really bummed about realizing how much my photographs suck.
i want a Nikon so bad.

i'm not going to get out of this hellhole anytime soon. UGH )*&(^*&^*^(&()$$%^&*(%^&*()
anyways.
crashed at shelbie's last night with annie and jannel, usual stuff.
we made brownies, pool, && peterpan movieee. got to see my favorite mermaid part :D

um went to citywalk today.
tried to sneak into a r-rated, shelbie's dumbass plan didn't work.
walked around in stores.
stole some rings
(felt like shit later)
saw harrypotter
AND TIME TRAVELERS WIFE TRAILER AGAIN hell yeah!

went to mcdonalds.
came home.
talked more depressing shit with my mom.
now i'm starving.

i see my baby monday yayayay.

but school starts soon. FUCK.
positive thoughts positive thoughts positive thoughts

i'd like to thank you.
for making me feel like you don't care half of the time.
making me feel insignificant.
and for me putting in more than half the effort.

aslkjfwoifjawpifjaweifjasfkas;lfja. FUCK.

so today i woke up from a nightmare.
i hate that i have those all the time.
i dream as much as people piss.

again people were trying to kill me.
set this house i was in on fire.
throw like crabs or worms at me?
and chase me to stab me.
HAHA.

then i cleaned the house and showered
and told my mom i'm going with Nikki and Kyle to the daytona mall
but before i even left
i got a lecture about how i should take my sister, guilt tripping me again.
and telling me how much she doesn't like nikki fml.

anywhoo i had a good time. i like being around people who actually seem INTERESTED in me being around and what i have to say. people who make me feel like i'm worth something and love me.
that's always a nice feeling.
i laughed alot today it felt good.

got home and i had to go to eustis to pick up that rodent cat.
my sister misplaced my headphones so i had to drive in an hour of silence fml.

got home watched my mom's show with her to keep her company.
find out brian can still pick me up to take me to the sleepover
and my mom says no. i was so fucking pissed.
i'm trying to chillax about it.

i still haven't really done much around here.
last week i wasn't handling it very well at all.
i was pissed off and very miserable.
i guess i'm kind of getting numb to it now.
i have to get used to it.
oh wellll.

i'm trying not to complain and be nicer and have more patience.
i want everyone to see what i'm capable of.
that inside i'm not pure shit.
that inside, my soul is screaming.
it wants to heard.
to be loved.
to be understood.
to be seen and touched.

i have sooo much to give.
i just need someone who will let me show them.
show them what they can have.
show them happiness.
show them that i want to make them feel like they've never felt.

i want to put smiles on faces
and love into hearts
i want to meet new friends.
new people.
people who are worth the effort, the love, the affection, the trust.
someone who will be there when i can't be there for myself.
and let me do so in return.

i want a good friend.
a good guy friend.
a good girl friend.

someone that isn't going to look at me stupid for feeling the way that i feel.
someone who i can excite and can excite me.
i want a best guy friend.
i haven't had one of those.
i'd like to have onee.

i want to be for someone.
and them to be for me.

i don't know why no one see's this yet
but they will.
they have to open up as much i am.
i need to be positive.
and i'm going to try.
for me and for my familiy.
and for the few that do care for me.

okay.
i hope i didn't have to come to this.
but i guess i'm going to have to...

it's going to completely kill me inside.
but no one will know but me.
since i can't do stuff right.

pushover here i comee.



on the uppppside.
i'm realizing slowly that i DON'T need youu.
it's a matter of time before i tell youu.
you make me feel worse about myself than i already do.

hmmmph. i hung out with shelbie todayy
i woke up at friggin seven and had to shower and go with my sister to
go pick her up to go to church, i did.
i got lucky i didn't get pulled overrr.

we played soccer and saw larissa.
and saw charles and kylee.

we chilled arounddd.
watched tv.
went to sky's
and lounged around in the hammock and talked about ourselves.

she's the best.
i love you shelbie.

don't worry nikki i love you too.


i haven't written in my livejournal for a few days because i could only think of complaints.

btw
I D G A F (;

Something inside me has died today.
Food, sleep, even brushing my teeth are completely irrelevant to me today.
i'm done with complaining.
done with trying.
done with the clown faces.

i have nothing to say.
nothing to feel.
nothing to think.

my lips are dry and cracked.
like my thoughts.
i have no desire to do anything.

nothing is going to change.
nothing good is going to come of anything.
so i'm done with the hopelessness of hoping.

i have nothing.
the only company i have is lonliness.
and we seem to be great pals.

well today is the 21st.
so lets update my past couple of days.

the 19th was depressing sort of (which was sunday)
but them brian, alyssa, sky, and nick came and got me.
and we all went to the mall and it was cool.
i felt better.

still reading the time travelers wife.
this is the longest it's taken me to read a book.
damn i'm lazy.
i can't wait for the movie to come out ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

anywhoo.
yesterday i went to shelbie's first.
chilled w/ her.
jacob and cameron came and got us.
we chilled.

then i had a sleepover wif camcam (:
which was delightful.

(in a nut shell)

woke up this morning
came home a few hours ago.
my mommy is sick :(
i feel bad.
i'm drinking a rootbeer float.
and i need to clean my house.

friends are ridiculous right now.
so fuck 'em all.
(well only a specific two)
anywhoo.
i'm trying not to stress out right now.
any time i'm alone i stress and think about anything coming up.
anything in the future that might be complicated.
but i'm going to be calm and relax.

i feel like i'm misery's life long companion.
it's soul mate.
like it's fate and destiny that have brought us together.
and now i'm stuck in it's grip.
and he won't let me go.

i thought people are supposed to be there for you.
like bestfriends...
boyfriends...
even good friends....
but i have no one. at all.
no one that senses my sadness.
no one i can go to.
no one that will automatically be there for me.
nobody gives two fucks.
but that's ohkay. fuck them all.
fuck all of you.

my mom would be there if she could.
but how can two incredibly sad people make things better?
she is the only one who every tries for me.
NO ONE ELSE IN MY LIFE TRIES.
no one else is there.
they think they are.
but they are not.

i am so utterly overwhelmed with sadness.
and so is my family.
i'm nauseated.
sick.
disgusted with everything and everyone.

we had to take my cats and drop them off somewhere today.
the look of sadness on my sister and mom's face.
and the tears were too much for me.

now i'm home. miserable.
fuck this life.

Ohkay. so i went outside talked to my aunt and my mom.
they were telling me how sweaty they were. my little cousins came up and gave me hugs.
and i gave them yoohoos.
i told my mom i put myself together in one piece and i thought i could hold myself for the night.

went to that cousin i blew off and asked her to take a walk with me outside.
We talked. and talked.
about school and boyfriends. even though for some reason i didn't know she was 23. o0oops.

came back inside sang my aunt happy birthday.
chilled. and tried a little longer.
i think an hour and a half is good enough trying.

now my mom came in and she's just as depressed as i am.
everything is back to normal. everything is still sad.

i was very very emotional earlier.
had a million and a half thoughts running through my head.
they would have all made sense if i had written them down then.
but now i'm just so utterly confused and forlorn.

this morning i woke up to my mom asking me to go the beach.
thing is some of my cousins who i haven't met from mexico came down for a week.
and i haven't talked to them or anything at all so yeah.
and they were going to go to the beach today and wanted me, and my sister and mom to go.

well thing is i didn't feel like going.
but my mom doesn't ever understand when i don't feel like doing things.
she thinks i'm just being a bitch.
but i'm not.

i try to explain to my mom that i really don't care much for the beach.
then she gets pissed. but she never really asked me if i liked going to the beach.
i just don't really care for it but she always makes me go so i don't really say anything i just do.

so my mom and my sister yelled at me telling me i'm a bitch.
so i ended up having to go anyways and just listened to my ipod in the backseat of the car.
i didn't even feel like driving. we get half way to the beach and it's pouring ass rain in daytona
we get to the beach and we aren't allowed to go into the water.
so  i do what i normally do when i go to the beach: lie in the sand, tan, and read/listen to my ipod
and try to relax and avoid getting mad at my mom.
but NO I CAN'T JUST SIT LAY AND READ AND RELAX
i'm being a 'bitch' for not talking to my cousins.
quite frankly i didn't see them putting much effort into trying to talk to me either.
they were being just as unsocial as i was. and she doesn't understand that i'm not being a bitch. i'm SHY when i first meet people. but does she ask? No. she doesn't. she doesn't ever remotely think that there is a reason
behind what i do. and when she pressures me it makes nothing better.

i drive home. get home. and decide i'm going to take a shower relax and read my book.
because i don't want to stress and think about how fucking shitty everything is right now.
then VIOLA! there's a bigass family party going on tonight that i didn't know about.
i don't feel comfortable around any of my family. i don't know its wierd.
some of my family is comforting but most of them just aren't very inviting.

not saying my family is a bad one. they are very loving people.
and probably know way more about hardships than i ever will.
but you know like when you are new to a group of people and most of them don't really try talking to you they just kind of ignore you even though they'll tak to you if you talk first? but then you have those kind people in that group that always try to make you feel welcome. well thats kind of how my family is. one big group some inviting some not so inviting but all in all good people.

i am very easily made uncomfortable (not to mention i'm awefully embarrassed for living on my uncle's property in the first place) so i really don't want to step a foot out the door.

but my mom doesn't understand this either when i try telling her i don't feel comfortable around the family.
instead she tells me sometimes i amaze her and i'm a bitch and i don't feel comfortable around family period.
which quite frankly really pissed me off. but i've just learned to shut the fuck up when anyone tells me anything
and just bite the fucking bullet. well quite frankly I'M SICK OF BITING THE FUCKING BULLET FOR EVERYTHING ALL THE FUCKING TIME. SOMETIMES MY SANITY FADES TOO. SOMETIMES I GET TIRED OF EVERYTHING TOO. SOMETIMES I NEED A MOMENT TO BREAK DOWN. SOMETIMES I CAN'T PRETEND EVERYTHING IS OHKAY AND I CAN DEAL WITH SHIT. JUST BECAUSE I ACT NONCHALANT ABOUT IT DOESN'T MEAN I AM.

but no one see's this no one. i can't even explain it to my mom because she doesn't listen.
she hears the words coming out of my mouth but she doesn't listen. she just assumes i'm a bitch about everything like there isn't a reason behind any of it. but there is. i have feelings. very strong feelings. i feel and get emotional about things just as much as the next person. i care about my family too. but no no. i'm just a brat.

so somehow i get ready and i say hey i'll go out there and say hi to everyone because it is a family party for my uncle and aunt's birthdays on monday (and my aunt is having another heart surgery and might die)
i'm completely out of it. which doesn't really help. people speak to me in spanish and i have to ask them to repeat themselves so they assume i don't speak spanish and repeat shit in english FML.
i'm pretty  sure i had the most depressed look on my face. which didn't help either. i was trying so hard.
then i didn't have an appetite. again. maybe it's from all the sadness lately. i don't even care about anything anymore. eating, looking nice. smiling. it's such a chore now.

then my mom pulls me off to the side and we talk about things. that i really don't need to put on here anyways.
but then i feel bad. because my asshole self stopped being so self absorbed in my own self pity that i remembered my mom is in as much emotional pain about all the shit as i am. i told her she doesn't ever listen to anything i have to say she just hears me but theres more to everything than she thinks.
again. i'm a piece of shit.

i bite the bulet again. i hate biting that fucking thing. i've biten it so much it's simply tasteless.
and my mom reminds me other people bite the bullet too. but i don't care who else bites the bullet.
point is my family is. so FML. i eat something so i don't look like a total bitch.
some of my family i think is starting to notice my mood.
i saw some family that i hadn't seen in a while and i was completey of it probably even rude.
how do i do this shit? i'm such a fuckup. i missed that cousin too :(

then my cousin that was visiting from mexico came inside and tried talking to me telling me i looked nice and stuff( she doesn't speak english) i feel so bad i kind of blew her off.

so i was like fuck being outside and i came back inside.
now i am sitting on a computer complaining to the computer because i don't want to complain to anyone else
i'm so pathetic. there is a big family party outside and i am so selfish i am sitting inside depressed.
i need to take my worthless ass outside.

but it's so hard to do all of this. and no one understands. not that i could really put it into words anyways.
but everyone would probably just see me as being melodramatic. which maybe i am maybe i'm not
but who the fuck is it for you to say.

not to mention i'm done trying with friends. fuck it. done with it.
my bestfriend has came back from her 'vacation'  and hasn't tried to call/talk/see me.
but we are 'so going to change and be bff's again right?'
wrong.

fuck it.
fuck everything.
fuck you.
fuck everyone.
fuck my life.

now i'm going to go bite the damn bullet and talk to that cousin i blew off.
try for my mom because she's the only one who is ever going to be there for me.
i'm so close to tears it's ridiculous. maybe it has something to do with me holding it for hours.
i wish a hole would open in the floor under me and i'd fall in it.

Well I'm on the phone with shelbie.
i miss herrr.

i hung out with my baby today.
i missed him very much.
and i'm glad i got to see him.
even though he can't drive anywhere.

his presence is better than anything and everything.
everything i do i want him involved in it.
i feel so stupid sometimes lol.

he's all mine.
i can't wait to see whats in storee fer us.

anywhoo i just finished watching ghost stuff with my madre
i love my mother.
i want nothing but her happiness.
i wish i could give her the world.
because i think the only other thing that makes me happier than cameron
is making my mother happy.

it pretty much goes like this on my happy scale of 1, 2, 3

1. Making madre happy
2. cameron cameron cameron
3. playing with my hair (:

and or Jack Johnson
thats a hard one.

anywhoo
I'm starting to get a little jittery and worried right now.
but i need to calm down.
i really do.
God help me.


and my family.

I'm trying to be calm.
trying VERY hard.

Something has to come up.
something does.
oh God it does !

Jannel stayed the night
and it was good.
we read books.
because we're dorks.

i have the time traveler's wife now.
i can't wait to get started on it.

today we went to the mall.
i saw that pink hat i still want.
DAMN IT.

then we got in the pool and read on the floaties
except i couldn't really get into the book bc the water was too cold for me lol.
i hate pools.

we made two pizzas.
and some fruit smoothies.
they were soo0o0o0o0o good.

i'm sitting in my own filthy ass room.
i need to clean it.
and clean my house.
and shave my legs yiikes.
and start my book (:

jannel just left.

i miss my baby.
but that's ohkay because i see him tmorrow.
happiness <3

memories make me so sad.
i hate going through my camera.

i want happiness.
happiness.
happiness.

someone to make me unbelievable happy.
someone to stick with me through all of this.
and be strong. because i sure am trying !

listening to Owl City.
attempting to relax.

hanging w/ nikki in a bit.
and jannel is crashing.

but it's not enough.
all i want to do is be with cameron right now.

today was a good day.
i had to hustle and bustle all over the place for my sister's birthday.

then cameron came over too.
and so did brian.
and so did estela.

and we all chilled and it was great.

because i absolutely adore my baby.
and brian too.


cameron you don't even know how you make me feel <3


on the phone with jannel and shelbie.
i love my girls <3333

i miss my bby fersure right now.

anywhooo.
ran SO MANY DANG ERRANDS this morning.

i saw my rosney.
and we talked.
and i feel way better.
i have a sweet bestfriend actually.

i drove illegally all day.
and almost hit a car at Orange tire.
oo00ops.

watched dance your ass off wif mah madre.

then i chilled with Brian.
shit was funn.
his dog tried to bite me.

then i was going to go see him race.
so we took this lovely two seater red convertible thing.
SO cute.

but lucky us it started pouring ass rain
and we didn't have a top on. lol.

race got cancelled so i went to MESH with brian/his dadddy?
lol. never been there before.

went to wendys.
drove home.

putting up old pictures.
feeling calmm.
talking to my sisterr.

I'm going to be a better person soon.
i'm really trying.
a better friend.
and a better girlfriend.
it's slow improvement.
but i can feel myself trying to have more patience.

i want to be a loving person everyone always wants to be around.
because believe me, once i'm comfortable and i feel wanted
i can give you the best time ever.
if you show me the same thing.


anywhoo, spent time with my baby today.
i feel so boring around him.
and i'm not BLAH.
anywho it'll change.
i adore him.
i heart him.
i wanna give him 247802984203 kisses.


oh, and i love my nicole blanch (:

me and jacob are trying to come up with fun free shit to do.
ain't working too good.


fucking ocala drive-in theater closed down.
FML.

anyway God please send us a miracle.
a blessing.
please!