capturethemind

i haven't written here in forever, and everytime i write now it seems like i say that lol.
i'm listening to jack johnson, i can't understand why everyone doesn't listen to him.
hmmmph, we'll look at them stars when we're together, yeah it's always better when we're together. hmmm. hmmm. hmmm.

maybe i'm a little lame.

well it seems like there is so much for me to say, but little time to do so and little ways to explain.
i've been trying harder, again it always seems as if i say that but, i feel like i've been slowly but surely improving myself.
i'm trying the best i can to be the person i want to end up being.

people very seldomly understand things, especially emotions and feelings.
i've learned to be closed off, hidden, mysterious.
this doesn't really make sense but i didn't used to be this way, and i think people really hate it.
i just can't be open about anything anymore, if people want to see whats inside they will..

contrary to popular belief i have alot to offer. again, i say this all the time.
i feel like i ramble and ramble in circles. maybe thats why i don't try to explain things. i can't even make myself understand me.

i tried getting a job, ugh, i had an interview and didn't even get effing hired. i'm so frustrated. i want a job. i want to help ma and i want my effing nikon camera. i'm afraid i won't make it in the future but i know i have to try. and i will. somehow i will be successful.

i've realized who's worth keeping around and who needs the door to hit them in the ass on the way out.
i'm sick of being misread and accused of being a bitch. i think i've given up a long time ago though.
i always try to make everyone happy. i don't know what to really do anymore.

stress and thoughts are getting more abundant as the days increase but at the same time i'm not as miserable as i was a few months ago, still miserable, but i think i'm more numb than anything. so it doesn't affect me like it did.

i've been reminiscing alot too. i quite honestly don't enjoy reminiscing. it's sad. but oh well.
if i was a painter i'd paint over my memories.

again i'm rambling. i don't know what to talk about.
on a more teenage level my tits are still not growing and stress is breaking out my face. three cheers for me!

i hope 2010 is a good year.



til' next time.

i never write.
but i always think to.

i'm listening to From Autumn to Ashes.
and looking through photography.
i think i've finally reached my decision.
i've been torn between becoming a psychologist or a photographer.
and the truth is i'd much rather take photographs. because i feel this empty feeling inside fade away when i do it.
i know i can't afford my Nikon D5000 right now. but i will soon enough once i work!
i'm just afraid of not being able to make it. or not being good enough. but i have to have confidence in myself for once!

my mom is being a mega bitch.
but it's because she's worried on her test results.
so am i. ive been praying for weeks.
God please help my family.

my 'love life' isn't much better either.
i don't know what or who i want.
i don't know who can make me happy.

friends.
well thats usually a big joke.
friends lately haven't been so loyal or caring.
but i say screw the world.
wait, no.
just let it ride.
because i am nice. i'm passionate. and caring. but i haven't and never will show anyone.
i wish someone could get inside of me for two seconds and everyone would fall in love.
sounds so cocky lol...

but i'm really worried school-wise.
i need to start preparing myself.
uhh, teenage worries.

i can't pretend anymore.
it's not working.

i can't pretend that i come home and everything is fine.
my words don't fix it.
my actions don't fix it.
i can't fix anyone.
i can't give my family happiness.
i can't even give myself happiness.
i can't pull miracles out of a hat.
i can't pull hope out of the sky.
i can't grow love.
i can't grasp unity.
i can't give my mom or my sister the world.
i sit in silence.
for words mean nothing.

frustration. anger. pain. hopelessness. faithless.
where is relief?

i'm weak.
pretty smiles and lies don't hide the sadness in my eyes.
the longing.

i'm trying to hold up the fort.
as my arms are folding in.
as everything crumbles to ashes around me.
i'm no longer stable.
i'm numb.

i can no longer pretend.

i've neglected my livejournal.
my thoughts are too confusing for even me to unscramble.
pretending has become second nature for me.
i don't know how i feel about anything in my life.
i'm confused on what to do about how the way things are going.
i'm lost about what to do with the people involved.
i don't know what's worth my love and effort.
i feel like im running.
but i dont know what im running from.
maybe from myself.
i need an answer to so many unanswered questions.
as i go to open my mouth to speak my soul shuts down and the words just wont come out.
it feels as if im drowning.
and the weight of my sadness is dragging me in deeper.
my feeble attempts at trying to be happy always fail.
hope has never been so distant.

so i totally wrote a long ass entry and nikki's fucking internet went out and it erased it all.
damnit.

but anyways my horoscope was wrong i had a good day.
even though it said i wasnt supposed to give into disagreements and use harsh words.
but i did. whooops.

so me and nikki went downtown to this michael jackson tribute thing.
and it was so much fun. i am pretty happy right now.
i go with brian to the beach tomorrow.
hopefully i'll get a tan.

so like me and nikki took a walk first and bought a lot of food, five dollars worth in dimes lol.
that girl always buys me everything.

we go to the michael jackson thingy.
and i see my dj/haircutter is working there :)
and there is this mj replica dood. who asked me for my number later. lol but he didn't get it ;)
he danced just like mj it was so crazzzzzzy. i got good pictures too. that i will put on tomorrow.
we dance with him and this old gay guy named randy we met. he was soooo gay and absolutely LOVED us. and he was so funny and bitchy. and this one lady who was so adorable. of course me and nikki always do the silliest things in the silliest places lolololol.

but the gay guy was so funny he looks at nikki and goes "girrll youre thick, that means you got a thick pussy, if i had a pussy id rule mount dora' it was soooo funny. then he would dance with nikki and she would smack his ass. omg.
he looks at me and goes "girl you are absolutely gorgeous, i love your lips. but you are lacking some titties, hopefully you sprout" and the lady we were dancing with goes "girl if you dont sprout dont buy the fake shit" and as soon as she walks away the guy goes "if you dont sprout buy tits, they get you a big house and a fucking jag girl!" i laughed my ass off. then he looks at nikki and goes "shes gorgeous but you got the tits giiirrrl" and he was telling me how he didnt like my dj and he threw a beerbottle at him last time and he really isn't supposed to be there and when i said "bye dennis" randy was like "dont say bye to that motherfucker!" omg the gay guy was so funny you wouldnt believe the bitchy gay things he would say.
and then we saw rosney and marcus out of no where and they came and danced with us and stuff too. rosney was adorableee. and they were about to lose it laughing at the gay guy. like it was crazy.
then me and nikki got back to her house.
and now i know im going to regret this shit in the morning bc i have to go the church then the beach.
i have a whole chapter of biology to do. damnit.

Okay last few days i haven't had the desire to write a livejournal.
i've also realized how much (the photographs) i take SUCK.
Damnit.
all i want is a damn Nikon D5000
i will marry ANYONE who buys me that thing i swear.

okay updates:
Aug.6 Thursday - hungout with Jay, Nikki, && Bird - we made cupcakes.
Aug.7 Friday - streetfest && hungout w/ ppl && Nikki, Sky, Lauren, Rosney etcetc. then lauren crashed the night.
Aug.8 Saturday - Altamonte mall, new hat, and lauren crashed again.
Aug.9 Sunday - today i am relaxing, about to go to Old navy in a bit. i miss my baby, but that's ohkay because i see him tomorrow.

i'm really bummed about realizing how much my photographs suck.
i want a Nikon so bad.

i'm not going to get out of this hellhole anytime soon. UGH )*&(^*&^*^(&()$$%^&*(%^&*()
anyways.
crashed at shelbie's last night with annie and jannel, usual stuff.
we made brownies, pool, && peterpan movieee. got to see my favorite mermaid part :D

um went to citywalk today.
tried to sneak into a r-rated, shelbie's dumbass plan didn't work.
walked around in stores.
stole some rings
(felt like shit later)
saw harrypotter
AND TIME TRAVELERS WIFE TRAILER AGAIN hell yeah!

went to mcdonalds.
came home.
talked more depressing shit with my mom.
now i'm starving.

i see my baby monday yayayay.

but school starts soon. FUCK.
positive thoughts positive thoughts positive thoughts

i'd like to thank you.
for making me feel like you don't care half of the time.
making me feel insignificant.
and for me putting in more than half the effort.

aslkjfwoifjawpifjaweifjasfkas;lfja. FUCK.

so today i woke up from a nightmare.
i hate that i have those all the time.
i dream as much as people piss.

again people were trying to kill me.
set this house i was in on fire.
throw like crabs or worms at me?
and chase me to stab me.
HAHA.

then i cleaned the house and showered
and told my mom i'm going with Nikki and Kyle to the daytona mall
but before i even left
i got a lecture about how i should take my sister, guilt tripping me again.
and telling me how much she doesn't like nikki fml.

anywhoo i had a good time. i like being around people who actually seem INTERESTED in me being around and what i have to say. people who make me feel like i'm worth something and love me.
that's always a nice feeling.
i laughed alot today it felt good.

got home and i had to go to eustis to pick up that rodent cat.
my sister misplaced my headphones so i had to drive in an hour of silence fml.

got home watched my mom's show with her to keep her company.
find out brian can still pick me up to take me to the sleepover
and my mom says no. i was so fucking pissed.
i'm trying to chillax about it.

i still haven't really done much around here.
last week i wasn't handling it very well at all.
i was pissed off and very miserable.
i guess i'm kind of getting numb to it now.
i have to get used to it.
oh wellll.

i'm trying not to complain and be nicer and have more patience.
i want everyone to see what i'm capable of.
that inside i'm not pure shit.
that inside, my soul is screaming.
it wants to heard.
to be loved.
to be understood.
to be seen and touched.

i have sooo much to give.
i just need someone who will let me show them.
show them what they can have.
show them happiness.
show them that i want to make them feel like they've never felt.

i want to put smiles on faces
and love into hearts
i want to meet new friends.
new people.
people who are worth the effort, the love, the affection, the trust.
someone who will be there when i can't be there for myself.
and let me do so in return.

i want a good friend.
a good guy friend.
a good girl friend.

someone that isn't going to look at me stupid for feeling the way that i feel.
someone who i can excite and can excite me.
i want a best guy friend.
i haven't had one of those.
i'd like to have onee.

i want to be for someone.
and them to be for me.

i don't know why no one see's this yet
but they will.
they have to open up as much i am.
i need to be positive.
and i'm going to try.
for me and for my familiy.
and for the few that do care for me.

okay.
i hope i didn't have to come to this.
but i guess i'm going to have to...

it's going to completely kill me inside.
but no one will know but me.
since i can't do stuff right.

pushover here i comee.



on the uppppside.
i'm realizing slowly that i DON'T need youu.
it's a matter of time before i tell youu.
you make me feel worse about myself than i already do.

hmmmph. i hung out with shelbie todayy
i woke up at friggin seven and had to shower and go with my sister to
go pick her up to go to church, i did.
i got lucky i didn't get pulled overrr.

we played soccer and saw larissa.
and saw charles and kylee.

we chilled arounddd.
watched tv.
went to sky's
and lounged around in the hammock and talked about ourselves.

she's the best.
i love you shelbie.

don't worry nikki i love you too.


i haven't written in my livejournal for a few days because i could only think of complaints.

btw
I D G A F (;